Grief is Feeling, Not Thinking

Why am I so afraid of my grief?

Is there hope for me if I grieve?

These two questions are often asked by those who seek me out for guidance. Most of us were never exposed to all the facets of grief, and honestly, the word seems to frighten people as so many are uncomfortable with death, loss, and of course, divorce.

How often do we phrases like, “don’t be sad,” or in a divorce one of my favorites, “Don’t feel bad”- you will choose better next time.” While there may be some intellectual truth to the comments, they sadly lack for our emotional well-being. Our being goes into conflict with these phrases, and the people who said they care about us are also uncomfortable with feeling. The end result for the person in grief is frustration and confusion, which lead to emotional isolation.

Most of us have been brought up to resolve all of our issues by thinking. Thinking WILL NOT heal grief. Grief has to be felt. Grief is also not a gender issue. Another story I hear all the time. Women deal with grief better. Not true. Yes, we are socialized differently from early childhood about who can cry and cannot, but research shows both men and women are limited in dealing with emotions such as pain, sadness, and what we are told our negative feelings.

Feelings are not gender-based. There is no right or wrong. There is no such thing as girl anger, boy anger, girl sad, boy sad, girl bliss, or boy bliss. They are all feelings, and we all have them.

There is a place for our thinking brain in grief. It helps take in information, but the processing and healing that is all feelings.