"Loneliness is a good feeling when created by our-self. 

It is actually how I found myself"  Sangeet Ram

A conversation with a friend last night left me with a lot to think about, and as I often do, to process I write. *Before publishing, I asked them to read it as it left me with a lot to ponder. Publishing it the morning after.

Around 8:30 tonight, my phone rang and the voice on the other end, says, are you busy?  I answered no and before saying anything else, I heard, can I come by, I am just around the corner.  I said sure.  Once my friend arrived, first words stated, were “it’s Friday night, what are you doing home, people will think you are lonely?  I started laughing and said, I am relaxing, and I am not lonely, but what does Friday night have to do with anything?  Deep inside, I already knew how they were going to answer, as I use to feel the same way.

Friday is the start of the weekend.  It is when you end your work week and begin ‘having fun.”  It carries all kinds of connotations and expectations that a majority of us have been conditioned to believe, and it worked.  Just look at restaurants, movie theaters, attendance at sporting events and so on.  Most activities in our cities and towns begin on Friday evening and end on Sunday.  I remember living this life.  Like my friend, I remember how upset I would be when Friday rolled round, and no plans had been made or there was nothing to do.  Back then, lonely was probably accurate, today, I define lonely different.

In my past, I expected someone to make plans, or at least ask me what I wanted to do.  That was the conditioning I was raised in and that is what I thought you did.  Then, life began to change.  I sat back and started looking at people I knew, who worked traditional Monday-Friday jobs and then crammed as much as they could into the weekend.  A few of them would say they were happy, but most would tell you, they were exhausted.  They were running, running, running all weekend and by the time Monday morning rolled around, they never felt they had any down time, were exhausted, complained a lot and were already gearing up to do the same thing all over again in a few days.

There is not much in that way of living that excites me and in truthfulness, I see how for some it could still be quite lonely. 

One of the many beauties of setting your own schedule, is freedom.  It is a part of my life I appreciate and love every day. While I have been my own boss for many years now and have set my schedule, for a very long time, Friday’s were free.  In my head, having Friday’s off was some kind of reward and yet, I seldom ever did anything except housework, chores and catch up on writing notes in client files and then of course out to dinner and normally at the same restaurant.  As I reflect, that was lonely.

Today, was Friday.  I started the day with spiritual time, a mile walk, met with clients, did a couple loads of laundry, vacuumed, had a couple hours of self-care time out of the house, spent time working on projects I have in various stages, had a couple conversations with people I care about, went out with a friend and had a lot of fun catching up, sharing, laughing and planning and then came home to chill.  I do not call that being lonely, nor did I care it was Friday.

Lonely has so many meanings.  For my friend tonight, being by yourself on Friday nights, automatically meant they were lonely.  As we chatted about this, all the old messaging around having been criticized or even criticizing themselves for not being out and about on a Friday night came through.  The more, my friend talked, I heard an old friend of mine coming through.  Her name is/was Perfectionism.  I knew her well.  If I am doing what others expect me to do on a Friday night, then no one will be talking about me or criticizing me.  Only issue with this is, perfectionism isn’t attainable.  I found it actually leaves one lonelier and makes us emotionally unavailable in being able to truly connect with others.

I can only speak for myself, but living like that, led me farther away from my authentic self.  When I began looking at what was important to me, what I really liked doing with my time, being out and about at night in crowds is really not something I enjoy.  It is ok, every now and again, but I am much happier spending time with 1-3 people in quieter settings and connecting, really connecting.  I enjoy having taken the time to know what I really need.  The relationships I am building allow me to be me.  I present as who I am and am very comfortable in that.  Relationships are more meaningful, are allowing me to be vulnerable, and I fully understand others “out there” may judge how I live and I am totally ok with that.  That is there issue not mine.  I spend my days, filled with what brings me joy, without being concerned with what day it is or the time.  If I want to work all day Sunday and fill my Wednesday with as many activities as I can, then that is what I will do.  If I choose to be home on a Friday night at 8:30 pm, relaxing, believe me, I am going to do that.  Now, meeting this friend for breakfast tomorrow at 9 am may be a bit out of my comfort zone as I really like my mornings to be chill and get out and about after 10.  Yet, as this friend knows that, they set up the breakfast date, with my dog, Remi, and as soon as Remi heard the name of the place became so excited, I was hooked.  Oh, the things, I do for Remi, - that is another blog for another day.  Enjoy being you.

Photo by Justin Kauffman on Unsplash

How often do you pay attention to your dreams?  For the past 10 or so years, I have had a dream journal that I write down different aspects of dreams that have stayed with me to reflect upon later.  It all began after attending a workshop on dream analysis based on Carl Jung’s work and has continued as I have studied and been immersed in mysticism, shamanism and other ancient ways.

Last night I had a dream that was intense and incorporated many teachings I have been exposed to and immersed in.  The dream began with women of today, all going about their day.  I saw women busy with raising children, working, tending to homes, going to school, in the grocery store, at events with the kids and so much more.  There was all this hurrying here and there.  I witnessed small bursts of conversations with other women, about how tired they were, how overextended, how much weight they had gained or lost, how ugly they felt and there was this underlying general “bitchiness” in the conversation about themselves and other women.  I was able to see the underlying fear that is ready to burst, this deep unknowingness that this is all due to how women have been raised in a culture that diminishes us as we continue to live in a male centered world.

As the dream continued to spiral, I was in ancient times with women who had immense personal power.  These women were the goddesses of many different cultures all showing their female bodies in various forms.  Some of the women were naked and walking proudly, nursing and nurturing their children with joy and happiness on their faces.  Other women, in various sizes were in the fields, gathering plants and vegetables and fully immersed in what they were doing with no thought to how they looked, or what others were thinking or saying.  I saw women helping other women to give birth in the home or in the fields, while other women tended the children.  I saw women just supporting each other, with no agenda, no violence, no fear.  I saw Goddesses in their full embodiment, where their bodies and beings were holy, sacred and honored.  There was no shame, no sense of being ALL to everyone.  There was no competition, no judgement of what other women were being called to do even if it was different than someone else.  

All women were being honored ….. and then my dream amped up and I was brought back to  today and how we seldom honor ourselves.

The images brought forth how so many women are walking around in continual chaos, many buying into voices around them that are unhealed and leading them deeper into chaos, not questioning what is being said, and so deeply immersed in “group think.” 

Boom, then I woke up.

The dream reminded me of three classes I have taken recently all taught by friend and mentor, Liana Shanti.  The courses in no order are Mother Wound, Lifepath Manifesting and Unlicking Ancient Gifts and can be found at www.lianashanti.com under programs.  I then had a few passages of books, I had recently revisited, Descent to the Goddess: A Way of Initiation for Women, by Sylvia Brinton Perera, If Women Rose Rooted: The Power of the Celtic Woman, by Sharon Blakie and Shakti Woman: Feeling our Fire, Healing Our World- The New Female Shamanism, by Vicki Noble all pop into my head.

This dream might also be related to yesterday being the 7th day in a row of chanting “Om Dum Durgayei Namaha” 108 times in meditation.  Durga (Hindu Warrior Goddess) is the protective mother of the universe. She is the protector of all that is good and harmonious in the world.  One of the translations is “the one who eliminates sufferings.”  Her appearance in paintings and statues is easy to recognize as she appears multi-limbed so that she is always ready to protect/battle evil from any direction. 
 
The meaning of the mantra if you are interested is as follows:
Om- the sound of the universe.  The essence of everything
Dum- the seed mantra (sound) of Mata Ji Durga
Durgayei- The complete
Namaha- In your essence we bow to YOU.

I chose this mantra as it is used for protection and in chanting daily, asking the Divine Mother to eliminate all the mental, physical and economic problems in one’s life, or with my intention, the collective.

Since starting this chant, my dreams have been more intense, and a few obstacles in my own life came to the surface and sent me spiraling into an old pattern of mine, of distraction and lower energy vibrations. 
 
Or maybe it was conversations with two women (Monica and Liana) in my life last night, on what in those moments looked very unrelated and yet were related in so many ways I had never imagined.  They may have ignited this dream for me to find a way to break my own chaotic patterns and at the same time knowing full well, what I heal in me, I heal in the collective. All I know is, in this moment, I am full of gratitude.

It is time for women to come into the light.  To dive in and journey to the unconscious, leaving behind all that we have been taught in this male dominated world and meet the frightened, angry, scared, repressed female, who is in PAIN and feels suffering is part of her path.  We have it within all of us to RISE UP and heal all of these unacknowledged parts of us and emerge with consciousness of the divine feminine energy we all carry.  To face the repression of 3500 plus years and heal it, integrate it and learn to love all aspects of ourselves in body and spirit, unconditionally.  

We have lived for too long without the full embodiment of what it means to be feminine, to live where the feminine voice is not repressed, where our bodies are accepted fully in whatever state presented. They are not sold or controlled.  It is time to awaken to a space where all (both men and women) live with balance of their divine masculine and feminine.  Time to understand we need both, not a world where the left side (feminine energy) has been nearly paralyzed.  The divine feminine is needed for the days ahead.  I have seen the light beginning to brighten in many of the women and men I meet, but there is still so much more to bring forth.

Are you ready to dive into yourself and face the chaos and then free her to come to light and be a part of leading the way?

When one has been doing deep inner healing work for a significant amount of time, ego, loves to pipe in and say, are you done yet?  I chuckle when I hear that voice as I have come to realize that healing is never done. There are more and more layers to uncover and if you think you are done…..the universe will come along and quickly alert you that no, you still have more to do.  For this to happen, you first have to be awake that there is even healing to do.

In being awake and having taken a leap of faith and dug in, you start searching the crevices within you. It can become overwhelming.  It is so important to also realize that you cannot spend all of your time healing.  You also cannot spend all your time planning the future.  Balance is so important.

In healing work, you definitely are going to be looking at your past and grieving and healing what needs attention.  In living your daily life, there will also be aspects that may need you to look at the future, but the reality is the only moment we can truly be alive to and live is the present one.  If you want to be healthy in body, mind and spirit, staying to much in the past, worrying, controlling or anticipating the future will bring trouble in some way, but if you are living in this moment, life just flows.

In the past few years, living in the present is something I commit to daily.  One of the ways that was easy to begin this process was to simplify my life.  I began with eliminating nonessential possessions, (techniques from Marie Kondo’s book, “The life-changing magic of tidying-up”), that also freed up many emotions tied to the past that were keeping me stuck.  As I cleaned and cleared out those items, I released energies tied to those no longer in my life, aspects of my life that no longer exist and surrounded myself in my space with things that bring me joy when I am home.

Becoming comfortable in my space grounds me, fills me with excitement and has opened up so much in me to be more alive.  I am inspired to create and smile.  I am aware that I have the choice daily to live in the past or the future and how both will steal my enjoyment of today.  Clearing out all that is no longer needed also brought to my attention where I still held attachments.  Once identified, I sat with them, grieved and released. Is amazing how this process has let me just surrender and let go.

In choosing to live in the present, a few aspects become more noticeable.  I smile more.  That hit me this morning after I woke up and sat up to write my morning pages. I realized I was smiling.  How awesome is that.  I was smiling before getting out of bed.  That simple gesture of moving facial muscles set the tone for my day.  The smile of this morning will guide me to live today fully present and alive.  I became aware of this as I was out walking this morning and I could smell the Jasmine, which has arrived early here in Florida, became aware of new sounds up in the tree I was passing and noticed two birds building a nest.  As I ventured down to the garden area, new growth has emerged on plants that were damaged a few weeks ago in a frost that we experienced and was excited to pick quite a bit of my food for the day (kale, peppers, spinach, tomatoes, onion, dill, carrots) and some lavender that will go into a vase and bless my home with its aroma for a couple of days.  My attitude from the early morning smile was full of joy, light, optimistic and expectant. 

I was so in the moment, just taking everything in and being so grateful.  Even in hearing from a friend once I was back home of some difficulties, I was able to be there for them, experienced the emotions and the sorrow.  In chatting, I heard so much hurt about past events and quickly reminded myself how in each moment, I can choose to forgive others and myself and move on, even if the harm was someone else’s.  If I hold on, I am now hurting myself and allowing it to impact my mood, today.

I have also been reminded lately to not just be in the present, but to live deeply in the present in everything I am doing.  If I am working, to be present and loving every moment. If that isn’t happening, to begin searching for those aspects in my work that I do love and to increase them.  That reminds me in the moment to dream bigger. Yes, to set intentions and plans for the future, but knowing for that to happen, action is needed in the now.  

Stay current…. That is my mantra on my white board this week.  It is a gentle reminder that if I am focused on what I did yesterday, last week or last year, I have not done much today.

I love that universe consistently brings to me what I need to see and hear. My first client this morning was updating me and as I listened to her, we ended up in a conversation about control, which led to chatting about worry, faith and trust.  All messages that have been in the forefront for me the last couple weeks.  I shared part of my journey with her and reminded her, we are not here to be in control and if we are worrying about yesterday or tomorrow, we will miss out on today and we can never get it back.  Plus, I asked her to let me know, what her worrying has ever accomplished because in my life, I have seen it do nothing but rob me of moments, I wasn’t truly living.  Plus, time is flying by and most of what any of us were worrying about yesterday, will look different today.  Getting locked in to “that is what I have always done”, is a huge story, because today, is not yesterday and whatever solution you thought of yesterday, most likely is not working today.

Removing obstacles and freeing my life of holds that no longer are important is how I choose to spend the day.  Living one moment at a time is all I can do and for today, I choose it be the present one.

Have a great day!!!!

Upon waking up each day, we are given a beautiful gift.  This gift gives us the freedom to design our day.

How amazing is that!!!!

Every morning in prayer, I ask for guidance and clarity to release what no longer serves me.  Those attachments to mindsets that keep me enslaved (old habits, patterns, beliefs and behaviors) or stuck.  Dropping those mental bonds developed over a lifetime to things and objects that through observation, modeling, reading and learning led me to believe they were somehow important to becoming happy.  Truthfully, as I drop them, it is like watching the master puppeteer, lose their strings that tie.  Attachments are part of our consciousness.  They bind us to the sensory world and inhibit our vision, knowledge and awareness. They lead us to react, determine our action, control our sorrow and joy and our failures and successes.  Our attachments to things, become so powerful that they take control of our body, our life, our mind, our personality and our future.

Besides all that they limit our freedom, autonomy, and our ability to be aware.

Attachments come in many forms:

~ Physical- how are body looks, the color, shape, our physical fitness, our health or sexual desires.  It also includes, our clothes, money, pets, people in our lives, food and where we live.

~ Mental – attachment to emotions, identity, family names, status and background, race, gender, social status, hobbies, habits, rules, religion, opinions, judgments, beliefs and prejudices.

~ Spiritual – these are attachments to beliefs, God, gods and goddesses, places of worship, scriptures, saints, virtue, morality, afterlife, spiritual life, symbols, ways one worships, and spiritual practices.

From a spiritual perspective there are no good or bad attachments.  All attachments bind, create karma, and stand in the way of becoming free. Attachments prevent us from being who we are and what we can be.  They hold us back from being in the flow of life.  We cannot be authentic with attachments.  We allow ourselves to be guided by the years and years of conditioning put upon us by society, parents, teachers, educators, political systems, retail and so on.

Attachment can be resolved by cultivating non-attachment.  Being willing to let go of everything and embrace change without feeling threatened by it.  By becoming aware of our thoughts, actions, habits by being mindful.

Here are a few examples of how I work on releasing attachment

1.  I have realized I have preferences for the food I eat.  I added in one food four times throughout the week, that I have told myself I didn’t like.  I also juiced fasted on a day that an event with amazing foods was being held.

2. Practiced silence when I had an urged by the compulsion to speak in a recent conversation.  I chose to listen to learn. Consider other viewpoints and opinions with which you have been conditioned to believe.

3.  Let go of attachments with discipline and perfection.  I have been disciplined to a schedule for some time.  As I work for myself, some scheduling is needed. I have dropped the beliefs of what days, times, or even amount of days, I am supposed to work.  I know base it on balance in my life with what I have chosen to be priorities.  Forgiveness for self and others is included in this suggestion.

4. Releasing possessions.  This week, I cleaned out closets, removed clutter and made donations.  Give away the things you do not need or use or are holding onto because they were given to you and held value by the giver. 

The more I release attachments, I am finding I can be unconditional in what I want, do, love and experience.  I am more present, becoming free of the memories of the past or concerned about the future.  Fears are dropping, stories are dropping and all the old baggage I had been carrying for decades is being released.  I am slowing learning to stop the becoming and just be.

Have fun releasing!!!!

Blessings

Sangeet

When you look at your human design chart for the first time, it may look a bit overwhelming and like many looking at their chart for the first time, they have no idea what is what. Once you know your type (Generator/Manifesting Generator, Projector, Manifestor or Reflector), begin to understand your strategy and authority, then you can begin to look at open and closed centers, gates and channels and your profile.

Profile is just another way to look at yourself and where you are going and what your life is all about.  Each of us came into the world with a specific profile or purpose.  The more you are able to understand your profile, the easier it is to gain understanding on your purpose.  The more you live your design, the more your purpose becomes a reality.

There have been a couple of times lately where I have found myself in my not-self-strategy as I noticed I was pushing myself to be out and about more than I normally am.  As I was chatting with a client who has the same profile as I do, the light clicked on- that I had fallen back into ways I used to cope, ways of living that are not me, instead of being at peace and allowing who I am to just flow.  The conversation offered me reflection on how much of my life I had been fighting my true nature, attempting to be much more extroverted, being on the go, trying to be someone I am not or made simpler, wearing a costume that just didn’t fit.  It now makes so much sense as to why so much of my life felt so difficult.

Gaining understanding that many of us are walking around in roles, that are not part of our design nor are they doing us much good.  Once you have your human design chart, ask yourself, do these “roles” fit me? Am I wearing the right costume? Do I feel free or restricted?

My profile is the 6/2 -  Role Model/Hermit.  I had fallen back into trying to live the 4/1 and the 5/1 outfits that were conditioned into me from childhood and while I have learned the hard way they do not fit, sometimes, I still fall back.  Thankfully, I caught it and put those old pieces back in the closet as they no longer are mine, nor do they fit well.

Being able to relax and live comfortably in the 6/2 profile is easier and brings a sense of contentment.  It feels right and brings a beautiful energy to my being.  As each of you learn your profiles, you will find another unique and powerful vibration to express yourself based on your time of birth.  Having the understanding of the lines will give you an opportunity to understand your individual gifts and of course to begin to understand others around you.

Profiles are determined by the position of your personality sun/earth and your design sun/earth in the bodygraph.  The personality is who you think you are and what you identify with, that is combined with your unconscious design that represents the physical body. Your profile impacts how we differentiate as unique human beings.  The same profile will be expressed quite differently through each Type, that means a 6/2 Generator experiences and manifests their profile differently than a 6/2 Projector.

Gaining understanding of my profile and learning to embrace the natural rhythm of the 6th line which is the role model has been quite freeing.  The role model has a three-part life process: the first 30 years of life is trial and error, moving into settling and healing until age 50, then finally walking in the world as a Role Model.  While I have had some deconditioning, and waking up to fully reach the third phase, I am beginning to embody her now and appreciate the wisdom, happiness and the purpose for being here I am seeing.  I am enjoying the process.

My 2nd line profile, the hermit has brought forth that I have many talents and have become comfortable when others encourage me to share my unique talents with the world.  I am so much more at peace with my need to be alone to nurture myself, my space, and my talents.  I love being comfortable with my alone time, setting boundaries that I am really okay in that aloneness. It is a gift to realize who you are and be at ease with it.

There are 6 lines.  Below I will give a brief description of each.

1st line – Investigator – person who studies and looks at things deeply, a strong foundation is needed to feel secure.

2nd line – Hermit – a natural talent, will need a lot of alone time, waits for the calling

3rd line – Martyr – trial and error, finds out how things work by going through what doesn’t first, may have many relationships, jobs, etc. to find what works

4th line – Opportunist – influential, very communicative, network of friends, acquaintances and associates

5th line- Heretic – seductive and attractive energy that attract projections and expectations from others

6th line – Role Model – acts as 3rd line in the first 30 years, then authority for others, detached from life (between 30th and 50th year) to finally become a role model (after 50th year).

There are 12 profiles: 1/3, 1/4, 2/5, 3/5, 4/6, 5/1, 5/2, 6/2 and 6/3.  The profile must be seen in relation to your type. 

There are 12 profiles: 1/3, 1/4, 2/5, 3/5, 4/6, 5/1, 5/2, 6/2 and 6/3.  The profile must be seen in relation to your type. 

Living with an autoimmune disorder, chronic pain or illness, brings more changes to one’s life than for most is even imaginable. 

In the beginning there is just relief for having an actual diagnosis.  The end to “it’s all in your head”.  The story so many of have heard and attempted to make sense of for so long.  Receiving the diagnosis in many ways feels like an ending as you finally know what is causing you to feel exhausted, in pain, irritable, shaking, scratchy and a myriad of other things.  Yet, once the diagnosis sinks in, then a new reality begins.  How do I live, now?

That stage took some time and truthfully, I sank into what many would call depression and on some days a lot of anxiety.  The life I was used to was gone.  Granted, it hadn’t been that life for some time, but without the diagnosis, I had hoped everything would return to normal.  Whatever normal is. My reality began changing and continued too, for many years.  Most of what I was able to do, began to fade away.  All the things that at the time I enjoyed, playing with my son, physical activities and my work. I enjoyed my work but realized it was no longer safe for me to do and, so I switched to another line of work and within time that wasn’t possible either.  I finally faced a new truth.  I was going to be home and work and most everything else as I knew it was done or changing significantly.  Funny, but when you are no longer working, so many other things change too.  People you worked with disappear, people you thought you knew well, may even be family, look at you differently when you are not able to work and in my case, because of how I was raised, looked at myself differently.  In my family, your worth, your value was very much placed on work: how hard and how much you worked.  When you didn’t work, well, let’s just say your value changed.

So much was changing, it was difficult to keep up.  I found myself questioning everything.  I questioned relationships, my ability to be a mother, a friend, a partner, to be intimate, to be a contributing member of society and my faith in humanity and in God.

Whew!  That last one.  I remember the day, I began to lose my faith in God.  Everything I thought I knew about God was challenged.  Having grown up and raised Catholic there was already this built in love but also fear of God and in those rough days, I had lost faith in the loving God.  I went through days of believing I was being punished, that I wasn’t good enough and all the other fearful things I had learned along the way.  Little did I realize how deep my anger at God went.

As that cycle deepened, so did the hope that things would get better.  The critical voice in my head became louder and louder and daily would tell me, my life was over, and it was not going to get better.  This went on for some time and then one day, a light went off, that I was on a path to self-destruction.  It became clear, I had choices to make and in desperation one day, sat down and prayed.  Not a prayer of bargaining, as I quickly learned that didn’t work.  No, this was a prayer of surrender. I just let it all go.  All the anger, the feelings, the frustration around being sick and just turned everything over to God.  It was obvious, I was going nowhere fast and at that moment, hope and faith were what was emerging and truthfully so needed.

I remember the day this happened.  There was a sense of relief in me.  I no longer felt the need to control what I felt I deserved, felt my life should be like, or questioned why me.  I just began to feel this shift of settling in to what was.  In that moment, I realized I was one of 50 million Americans walking around daily with autoimmune disorders, chronic pain and a lot of loss. I felt something stir and a voice who let me know, I had a choice.  I could stay on the path I was on, or change courses.  I chose change.  Somehow, I felt this somewhere deep in me - there was a flickering light of hope and faith and from that day, I began to reach for that light and nurtured it and let it grow.

As the song Take Me in (my favorite version is by Snatam Kaur) says: “Take me in, take me in, to where I am, and you begin, in the place where I don't know exactly how this story will go, in your love, in your love, I can finally breathe, I can finally be me”, I began to live.  I sang/changed that song for more days, maybe years than I can remember as it gave me faith, hope, peace and strength to know that I was here for a purpose and that with faith and hope I would get through.   My faith changed dramatically.  I moved to a place of deep spirituality and began to reconnect with God.  I felt a calling to learn more about faith and hope and began to incorporate each into my day. 

The more I surrendered this control around my life, my health, my way of being, the better I began to feel.  I began to listen to those deep guttural messages guiding me to seek out different techniques and treatments.  Before beginning anything, I would sit and pray and listen.  As each message came through, I knew to say yes or no and that is what I did.  Every message was thanked with gratitude as I was so appreciative for the guidance.  Now, you may be thinking everything went smoothly and I all my obstacles were finished.  No, that isn’t true.  I faced many and still do.  My life continues to be challenged and sometimes I go back to old patterns and then remember, oh wait, I am not in control, God is.  As my faith changed, as I began to trust God, just a bit, my life really did begin to change.  

I also noticed, I had a lot more hope for the future.  I started making plans of things I thought I wanted to do.  Number one on that list was to get off all medications and number two was to walk again without any assistive device.  I prayed daily for my highest and best and more.  I never asked for the medicines or the ability to walk as I had no idea if that was God’s plan for me.  I just prayed. In time, both of those things happened.  They made huge changes in my health.  I was filled with so much gratitude and began to realize all the gifts being sick had brought me, and they were many.

I was no longer the controlling person I had been for most of my life.  I was more flexible, open to hearing others, began to see how hard on myself and others I could be as well as the judgment and expectations of others I carried within me.  As I felt better, I still had this nagging going on in my gut, trying to get my attention.  One day, I finally just stopped and listened.  My inner voice was letting me know, my diet had to change.  This was scary, but I dove in.  During that process, God brought me another gift, a teacher who has now become a friend.  She not only taught me about nutrition (www.healthmasteryinstitute.com), but began to teach me that there was still an anger at God within me.  As she shared what she saw, I challenged her and then felt my being shake.  This wasn’t about me needing to be right, it was about my spiritual growth (www.lifepathmanifesting.com).  This was about getting honest, grieving, healing wounds and really understanding with faith and hope.  For maybe one of the few times in my life up to that point, I stopped and listened.  I am grateful I did.

I found out, I was really angry with God and that healing that aspect of myself was very much needed.  So, I dove in.  I began to heal my relationship with God.  I began to trust, have hope and deepened my faith.  As this happened, my hope for my life, brightened and my illnesses as I knew them took dramatic turns.  Today, I am grateful for all the illnesses brought me and took away.  Each aspect has been a gift.  Little did I know, I had to wake up and realize I had lost faith and hope, that my suffering was to get my attention to old patterns that needed to end, find clarity, feel deeply, grieve and let go.  Once all of that happened, God showed a new way, one filled with so much light and love. 

Today, I feel  blessed for this path I am walking.

In my dream state last night, I could see two women having a discussion.  It was difficult to see them in the fog and hearing what they were saying was impossible as they were speaking just above a whisper.  As I looked around to take in the scene, there was nothing to take in but these two women.  As I went closer, I realized the women were me.  One was of me now and the other was about 30 years ago.  Hmm, what is this all about?

As they were both me, moving closer to hear the conversation seemed appropriate.  I was certain I was going to be gaining insight of some sort.  I did.

The conversation was a montage of events that have happened in my life that thankfully, I have dug in and taken a real close look at. The younger version of me was sharing her concerns about all the changes and how uncomfortable she is with what is happening.  To her, my current life is a bit short of what she is comfortable with and she was voicing her concern.

Ah- this is a meeting of my Ego- the one that is emerging and the one leaving.

In my observation mode, I began to chuckle.  How appropriate is this.  Of course, whether it is my 5-year-old self or my 30-year-old self, they would have fears about how my life currently looks as fear is what drove all my inner children and me through most of my adult life. 

I listened intently to the 30-year old me as I knew she was showing me where I had been and might give me insight to areas that still needed healing.  I heard her fears around ‘my spending so much time by myself’, ‘not working hard enough, as that is how you get ahead’, ‘cutting people out of my life’, how so many of my beliefs have changed and on and on.  As I continued to observe them both, the me of today captivated me.  She was listening so intently, nodding, fully involved.  I smiled as that has been something I have been intent on improving in my life.

For so long in any conversation, whatever I heard, I was preparing a response before the person speaking had finished.  I also had a knack of responding to whatever the person was saying by turning the conversation to be about me, how what they were saying affected me.  Today, I fully know the reaction was from unhealed inner children who just wanted SOMEONE to see them or hear them. 

As the version of me today, began to talk, she acknowledged every single statement of the 30-year-old me.  She thanked her for her bravery to speak of her fears and then in a very gentle way, expressed how they were just fears all based on experiences the 30-year-old had come to believe, but were not truths. The reality is, that the life being lived today is closest to the one I was born into this lifetime to have.

It has taken me many years to fully understand how my thoughts, so many of them from childhood, replayed in various ways in my head over and over.  Work is one- there are so many messages around this word.  In my family you were defined by ‘how hard you worked’, ‘how often you worked’, ‘how much you did at work’, ‘what kind of work you did’, ‘did you go to work’, to ‘why did you miss work’.  Work, work, work.  Not too long ago, I realized how exhausted I became just hearing the word work.

Other words and phrases I heard in this conversation that brought up so many past intense meanings were ‘family’, ‘forgiveness’, ‘you are not good enough’, ‘only boys can do that’, and ‘because I said so’.  It was actually funny to watch a replay of my 30-year old self say, ‘because I said so’ to my 60-year old self as there is not a doubt that my 30-year old self said that often as I can still hear it coming out of my mouth.  So glad those days are long gone.

This dream was a small composite of my life in many ways.  Where I was to where I am.  All those messages from childhood, all those places I got stuck believing this or that, but also ‘thinking’ this is who I am or the me who would love to tell others this is how they are, when in reality it was who I was.  I just didn’t know that then.

Thoughts- I had so many thoughts.

Those thoughts do many things depending on what is being said- if they are critical, we become critical of ourselves and of course others, some may be thoughts we would like to express but out of fear, tuck them inside. No matter what, my greatest gift has been limiting and stopping all those thoughts and facing fear.  

Ah fear- that was a word I needed to become intimate with and so glad I have.  I feared the opinion of others, the backlash, the repercussion, the fear of losing people (family, friends, teachers/mentors, myself).  Isn’t it odd that I had a fear of being rejected for telling truths, my truths? 

I found once I started speaking my truth, many in my life became even more fearful. Some ran, some stayed way over on the sideline, some just silently sit off in the distance, waiting to see what I do next.  Truth for me now is knowing all I have uncovered in my childhood until now has given me strength to live a very honest life and my fears are dissolving.

When comments come at me about decisions I am making, I no longer second-guess my decisions to live my truths.  While I have forgiven everything and everyone in my life, I also choose to eliminate people and things that do not fully support me.  I am not angry, but truly know I only need the approval of myself in my life.  Learning to make me important, learning to love me, stopping all the critical thoughts, building healthy boundaries, how wonderful is that?

I wake up and ask myself every day, are you are peace?  I listen and whatever comes up gets my attention.  I also check in to see how I feel, is anything feeling heavy, anything feeling off?  

Choosing to move past experiences and learn from them have been some of my greatest moments of growth.  I refuse to apologize because others cannot understand my way of forgiveness. 

Was it easy, absolutely not.  Yet I do know, gaining self-respect is everything.

When someone wrongs us people often rally to protect us or in some cases they may rally around the other person as they feel they will lose something that they believe they just cannot lose or maybe they cannot face that aspect of their shadow.  Reality is, it doesn’t matter how others react, it is how I react.  I am blessed to have a few people in my life who will travel with me into those dark crevices, the ones that have taken me to the edge.  They reach out, ask if I need anything (support, a listening ear, or just, how are you?)  I have found these are the people who have my back, want to see me find my path, become a stronger, more authentic, true version of myself.  They respect the journey, I have been on and offer support with no agenda.  I say to them, THANK YOU.

I always felt I knew what being at peace was and then I saw, I had no idea.

Peace came when I decided to dive in and go deep into my shadow and uncover all the core wounds and really begin to get honest.  Saying you want an honest life is one thing, getting there, can be quite another.  That is where learning what EGO really is became important.  Have you ever really listened to yours. It is all the thoughts that go through your mind daily.  For many, yup,  I was one of them, my identification was based on all those thoughts, MY EGO.   

To become free of ego is to become free of thought.  Today, I am one step closer.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Relationships are a natural part of our lives.  We have relationships with ourselves, with parents, other family, friends, partners, children and with so many other people we come in contact with in work settings, volunteer settings, and in numerous other activities that we come in contact with every day.

Having your human design chart is helpful in guiding you how to build a relationship with yourself, it gives you a manual to follow.  It is so helpful in giving you a guide to know how you operate based on your type, profile, gates, open and closed centers, the planetary alignments and neutrino fields,  Yes, it is a lot and of course we are not going to master all in one reading or even numerous, but starting with the basics can bring so many changes to your life.

Add to that the years the majority of us have been living without any knowledge of our human design charts, not fully grasping all the conditioning that has been placed upon us, is it any wonder so many feel their lives are not being lived fully.  That is what I have loved the most about having my chart.  It is my guide to help guide me back to my authentic self.  I have also found it has really helped in relationships.  I am much clearer about how I present in relationships and how to be more authentic with others that I am in relationship with.

If you are a manifesting generator you might feel or be intense, restless, always ready to go-go-go and seldom able to sit still.  Learning how best to initiate and makes things happen; utilize all that energy you generate, can be quite the balancing act and brings about all sorts of frustration and anger if you are not honoring your generator/sacral response of waiting for the correct response before acting.

When you are a manifesting generator, knowing all of this as well as the other aspects of your chart, will guide you in being happy in your relationships as well as all of us who are in relationships with you.

Having friends who are manifesting generators, I have come to expect that plans may change.  I have learned that plans with them are not set in stone.  Consider this scenario: you have a friend at work named Sara.  Everyone is talking about a new movie that was just released.  Someone suggests that everyone go on Friday after work.  In that moment, Sara gets the uh-uh response from her gut and says yes, count me in.  Friday comes along and everyone is preparing to go and as Sara gets up, she realizes, that no, she really doesn’t want to go and lets everyone know she isn’t going to be going.  She has also learned some of her friends will be okay with this and others, not so much.  This is normal for manifesting generators.  In the moment of being asked, she received the correct response, but when it was time to go, she checked again before proceeding and listened to her gut to know that going to the movie now was no longer correct for her. 

If you are in relationships with manifesting generators, this is so important to understand as this is how they are supposed to operate.  They are not doing it to upset or confuse anyone.  It is just who they are.

Romantic relationships are no different.  Many manifesting generators, dive into relationships full force and then they end just as quickly.  Often this happens because they didn’t check in with their gut at the beginning and then keeping trying to make things work via thinking and working so hard to make it right. When it doesn’t there will be frustration and anger.  It is so important for manifesting generators to wait for life to come to them and then respond to it (just so you know whether you are to respond or not).

Hmm, you may be asking if you are a manifesting generator.  How would I wait before jumping into a relationship?  That doesn’t sound like fun……

Imagine yourself at an event.  There are all sorts of people mulling around.  You are with your friends and scanning the room.  As you look across the room, you notice this guy/gal and you feel your heart flutter.  As a manifesting generator, stop, take a breath and ask yourself (waiting to respond), if you should make contact?  If you get a yes, uh-huh, go across the room and begin chatting (taking action) and as you are chatting, you will know (moment of truth) whether to proceed.  This makes relationship building so much easier and clearer and will bring you happiness and joy as it was easy and effortless.