Why am I so afraid of my grief?

Is there hope for me if I grieve?

These two questions are often asked by those who seek me out for guidance. Most of us were never exposed to all the facets of grief, and honestly, the word seems to frighten people as so many are uncomfortable with death, loss, and of course, divorce.

How often do we phrases like, “don’t be sad,” or in a divorce one of my favorites, “Don’t feel bad”- you will choose better next time.” While there may be some intellectual truth to the comments, they sadly lack for our emotional well-being. Our being goes into conflict with these phrases, and the people who said they care about us are also uncomfortable with feeling. The end result for the person in grief is frustration and confusion, which lead to emotional isolation.

Most of us have been brought up to resolve all of our issues by thinking. Thinking WILL NOT heal grief. Grief has to be felt. Grief is also not a gender issue. Another story I hear all the time. Women deal with grief better. Not true. Yes, we are socialized differently from early childhood about who can cry and cannot, but research shows both men and women are limited in dealing with emotions such as pain, sadness, and what we are told our negative feelings.

Feelings are not gender-based. There is no right or wrong. There is no such thing as girl anger, boy anger, girl sad, boy sad, girl bliss, or boy bliss. They are all feelings, and we all have them.

There is a place for our thinking brain in grief. It helps take in information, but the processing and healing that is all feelings.

Grief is as natural as breathing. It is what each of us should experience when we suffer any loss. Any feeling you experience is right for you. Those feelings are normal and natural. Sadly, due to programming by our families, most institutions, and society, we are socialized to ignore or bury our feelings. Heck, for many, they believe their feelings are abnormal.

It can be argued that grief is the most powerful of all emotions and the most misunderstood and neglected. Grief brings up conflicting feelings caused by the loss one is experiencing. There may be a sense of relief in divorce once everything is laid out on the table, which feels good. At the same time, there may be fear about being alone for a long time. The conflicting feelings, freedom, and fear are a natural response to loss.

Before the divorce, your relationship had a sense of familiarity that included friendship, romance, family, social, and business roles. To grieve healthily, one needs to look deeply at all they are losing. Loss-of-trust is an area most overlook. For a moment, breathe and look at the areas that have caused you a loss of trust. It may be with your partner, a friend, a job, relationships, or even God. The loss of trust needs to be grieved and is a step many omit or skim over. Grief is about feeling broken hence the term a broken heart, not a broken brain. The feelings are important. It would help if you realy felt them not think or analyze your way through it. If you do, in the long run, it will be much harder to heal.

So often, those going through a divorce feel like they have failed because the marriage/partnership has ended. Family, religions, and society program us to stay in marriages, no matter what. We are deemed misfits, failures by many for choosing a healthy step for us versus staying in a relationship that isn’t aligned for us, maybe dysfunctional, or may physically harm us.

Take a look at all those beliefs and stories. Are they running your choices, or are you doing that? Are there stories and beliefs from childhood that no longer fit? Are you ready to grieve and release? If you choose not to, how much more damage do you feel those stories and beliefs will do to you. Will you get sick? What about the damage to your well-being, your children?

Choosing to be healthy is never a failure. Staying in a relationship that doesn’t honor our soul or allow us to heal our wounds and be as God intended for us is. What is holding you back from being your highest self?

Take charge of your life. Divorce only defines you if you let it. Who cares? Look at all the lessons you gained in your relationship and heal all that needs to be healed. Grieve what needs to be grieved, and then let it all go.

At some point, we get honest with ourselves and decide to contemplate or go through with a divorce. Then our minds begin to question everything. For many of us, detachment comes into play. Letting go is painful and uncomfortable. Our mind/ego begins sending us all sorts of scenarios about “no longer being the perfect family,” “no one else will want me,” “I always thought we’d be married,” “I can’t handle seeing him/her with someone else.” And a host of other old beliefs we haven’t begun to acknowledge.

Detachment holds us back from freedom.

Years ago, I was listening to a podcast by Ram Dass. He was telling a story about how one catches a monkey in India. One takes a jar with a small opening and drops nuts into the jar. The monkey eventually puts his hand into the jar, grabs the nuts, and then grasps that he cannot get his fist out through the opening. Hmm, how many of us do the same. Truthfully, all the monkey needed to do was let go of the nuts, and he could have been free, but no, he is too attached to the nuts. Attachment leads to pain and suffering, and if you are contemplating or in the process of divorce, haven’t you suffered enough to reach this place.

I know letting go is tough. I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like without being in a relationship without comfort, but also worry, resentment, manipulation, and judgment. Thankfully, unlike the monkey, I decided to be free and let go.

Learning to detach has become easier—I started with clearing out my space. Going through box after box of stuff that I hauled just because it had been given to me, or I might need it one day. Then it was everything else in my space, then dysfunctional and toxic relationships. ALL GONE. Oh my goodness, how freeing. Detachment is always about external things, but internal (inside ourselves, we find freedom and peace).

Step back and look at all the things you are ATTACHED to right now. You may be attached to the idea of being married, the spouse, the home, the lifestyle, the comfort, believing you have happy kids, and that this marriage can be fixed. Are you able to see how you are attempting to control? It reminds me of my marriage, where I kept placing ultimatums, yet I never followed through. I chose not to let go. I understand today why, but in the end, I suffered way more than I needed.

It was time to start being honest, acknowledging all of my wounds, and begin to heal. Once that stage happened, I had to settle into all the feelings and feel them to reach a place of grieving. In grieving, letting go happens, and then the detachment. It is so worth it.

In addition to the five stages of grief by Kubler-Ross, two other stages or emotions can also be a part of your grief. Guilt and shock are also common feelings many experiences. As we all experience loss differently, it isn’t a surprise. Actually, from my experience, there are many more emotions/stages we go through that are not addressed.

Guilt may come in as you begin to think about the hopes and dreams that are no longer a reality. Guilt can also come in when looking at what you begin to feel you didn’t do or could have done differently. Guilt is a useless emotion. The reality was in the moments when you chose what you did, that is what you knew. We cannot change what has happened. We can only go forward.

Shock can happen at any time in the grief process. Once we decide or are told that a divorce is coming, many will feel shock no matter which of our partners. Most couples do not get married, thinking divorce is coming. Sometimes the shock comes from cheating, financial issues, addiction issues, or other secrets that emerge. As we allow our emotions to rise to the surface and feel them, the shock will lessen, and we most likely will move into another stage of grief.

The important thing is to honor all the feelings that arise and let our bodies feel all we need to without stuffing anything back down again. In feeling, we can process the grief and let it go. That is when the healing begins.

Grieving a divorce is similar to any other grief you may have experienced in your life. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are what most people experience during and after a divorce, loss, or other events that need to be grieved. You may experience each of the stages in a nonlinear way. I found I revisited them many times and sometimes a few at the same time. Stay with it, if you can. At times, it feels like it would be easier to stuff it all down, get into another relationship, or even go back to the one you are leaving. IT TAKES TIME TO HEAL. Give yourself time

There is no timeframe on grief, and it takes time to recover from a divorce. Time will be different for everyone. The best guidance I received was from my teacher and friend Liana Shanti, who shared that I needed a whole year on my own for real healing to happen. She was right in ways I couldn’t even imagine at the time. In my case, I needed a whole lot more than a year. I needed to find out who I was. When I left, I had never lived on my own. I hadn’t supported myself at any time in my life. I needed to learn to be independent, end co-dependency, and that old childhood wound of wanting to be rescued. There was so much to grieve in my world, and the divorce was just one part of it. I needed to find myself. Yes, at times, it was painful, but it was so much more. I began to remember what made me laugh, what made me have fun, how much I enjoyed the silence, eating when I was hungry, not because it was a particular time, and that if I wanted to go to bed at 6 pm to read, listen to a podcast, it was okay. I learned about setting my needs, wants, and boundaries that were healthy for me. It was a glorious time and the most freeing thing I had done.

Be gentle with yourself. Your grieving may take you to places you never dreamed possible.

The last stage of Kubler-Ross is acceptance. Many think that once they agree to the divorce or are divorced, they have accepted it. That may not be accurate. Often we expect to feel happy after saying we are okay or accept something, yet that isn’t always the case. The grief is still there. Acceptance is more about finally taking in or realizing all that has happened. It’s real, and being able to feel all you need to feel about every aspect. This may take you back through your whole relationship. You may revisit every hope and dream you ever had. Talking to a friend who will support you and your feelings and not interject theirs can be helpful, or talking with others who are or have experienced what you are from a healthy, nonjudgmental place. Knowing you are not alone can be beneficial, and hearing that others are experiencing similar feelings may bring a new perspective and help the healing process. Remember, feeling better is a process, and acceptance is another step in that direction.

The acceptance stage may also send you back to one of the other stages. It’s okay. The deeper you go into each stage will be helpful. Soon, you will reach a place of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or know that you will be creating a new life. You will begin breathing easier, seeing each day differently with hope. You may start planning new activities or making other changes in your life. You may still be sad, angry, frustrated, but the difference is you will feel that emotion for the time needed and move on. You will not be stuck. You may begin seeing changes around you. Relationships from your time with your ex may no longer fit, especially if they are toxic to you. Release them. They may also need to be grieved. The beautiful thing is you will make the choices best for you.

Depression is another stage in Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. Depression, low mood, or just feeling off may become your new normal for a while. You may be sitting at your desk, watching a show on the television, or any other activity and suddenly start crying. There may be days you do not feel like getting out of bed for days on time. You may find yourself calling in sick to work and disengaging from other activities you use to enjoy. Sadness, shock, and loneliness could hang around from days to years. The feelings that emerge may sound familiar when you same them (sadness, loneliness, anger), but they may be more intense and last longer during a divorce. No matter how prepared you feel you are, know there is always more, and divorce is not something most of us are prepared for. Some people will go through this stage and then go back to the denial and anger stage again to return to the depression stage. Divorce is hard. Divorce is a significant loss in your life, and you will need time to grieve even if you are the one who initiates the divorce.

Similar to anger, the depression stage is repetitive and may affect you more than the others. You may need guidance and more profound healing of prior healing tools to get through it. Sometimes guidance can be beneficial to get through this step and help you in future relationships.