Detachment Leads to Freedom

At some point, we get honest with ourselves and decide to contemplate or go through with a divorce. Then our minds begin to question everything. For many of us, detachment comes into play. Letting go is painful and uncomfortable. Our mind/ego begins sending us all sorts of scenarios about “no longer being the perfect family,” “no one else will want me,” “I always thought we’d be married,” “I can’t handle seeing him/her with someone else.” And a host of other old beliefs we haven’t begun to acknowledge.

Detachment holds us back from freedom.

Years ago, I was listening to a podcast by Ram Dass. He was telling a story about how one catches a monkey in India. One takes a jar with a small opening and drops nuts into the jar. The monkey eventually puts his hand into the jar, grabs the nuts, and then grasps that he cannot get his fist out through the opening. Hmm, how many of us do the same. Truthfully, all the monkey needed to do was let go of the nuts, and he could have been free, but no, he is too attached to the nuts. Attachment leads to pain and suffering, and if you are contemplating or in the process of divorce, haven’t you suffered enough to reach this place.

I know letting go is tough. I couldn’t imagine what my life would look like without being in a relationship without comfort, but also worry, resentment, manipulation, and judgment. Thankfully, unlike the monkey, I decided to be free and let go.

Learning to detach has become easier—I started with clearing out my space. Going through box after box of stuff that I hauled just because it had been given to me, or I might need it one day. Then it was everything else in my space, then dysfunctional and toxic relationships. ALL GONE. Oh my goodness, how freeing. Detachment is always about external things, but internal (inside ourselves, we find freedom and peace).

Step back and look at all the things you are ATTACHED to right now. You may be attached to the idea of being married, the spouse, the home, the lifestyle, the comfort, believing you have happy kids, and that this marriage can be fixed. Are you able to see how you are attempting to control? It reminds me of my marriage, where I kept placing ultimatums, yet I never followed through. I chose not to let go. I understand today why, but in the end, I suffered way more than I needed.

It was time to start being honest, acknowledging all of my wounds, and begin to heal. Once that stage happened, I had to settle into all the feelings and feel them to reach a place of grieving. In grieving, letting go happens, and then the detachment. It is so worth it.