Grieving a divorce is similar to any other grief you may have experienced in your life. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are what most people experience during and after a divorce, loss, or other events that need to be grieved. You may experience each of the stages in a nonlinear way. I found I revisited them many times and sometimes a few at the same time. Stay with it, if you can. At times, it feels like it would be easier to stuff it all down, get into another relationship, or even go back to the one you are leaving. IT TAKES TIME TO HEAL. Give yourself time

There is no timeframe on grief, and it takes time to recover from a divorce. Time will be different for everyone. The best guidance I received was from my teacher and friend Liana Shanti, who shared that I needed a whole year on my own for real healing to happen. She was right in ways I couldn’t even imagine at the time. In my case, I needed a whole lot more than a year. I needed to find out who I was. When I left, I had never lived on my own. I hadn’t supported myself at any time in my life. I needed to learn to be independent, end co-dependency, and that old childhood wound of wanting to be rescued. There was so much to grieve in my world, and the divorce was just one part of it. I needed to find myself. Yes, at times, it was painful, but it was so much more. I began to remember what made me laugh, what made me have fun, how much I enjoyed the silence, eating when I was hungry, not because it was a particular time, and that if I wanted to go to bed at 6 pm to read, listen to a podcast, it was okay. I learned about setting my needs, wants, and boundaries that were healthy for me. It was a glorious time and the most freeing thing I had done.

Be gentle with yourself. Your grieving may take you to places you never dreamed possible.

The last stage of Kubler-Ross is acceptance. Many think that once they agree to the divorce or are divorced, they have accepted it. That may not be accurate. Often we expect to feel happy after saying we are okay or accept something, yet that isn’t always the case. The grief is still there. Acceptance is more about finally taking in or realizing all that has happened. It’s real, and being able to feel all you need to feel about every aspect. This may take you back through your whole relationship. You may revisit every hope and dream you ever had. Talking to a friend who will support you and your feelings and not interject theirs can be helpful, or talking with others who are or have experienced what you are from a healthy, nonjudgmental place. Knowing you are not alone can be beneficial, and hearing that others are experiencing similar feelings may bring a new perspective and help the healing process. Remember, feeling better is a process, and acceptance is another step in that direction.

The acceptance stage may also send you back to one of the other stages. It’s okay. The deeper you go into each stage will be helpful. Soon, you will reach a place of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel or know that you will be creating a new life. You will begin breathing easier, seeing each day differently with hope. You may start planning new activities or making other changes in your life. You may still be sad, angry, frustrated, but the difference is you will feel that emotion for the time needed and move on. You will not be stuck. You may begin seeing changes around you. Relationships from your time with your ex may no longer fit, especially if they are toxic to you. Release them. They may also need to be grieved. The beautiful thing is you will make the choices best for you.

Depression is another stage in Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief. Depression, low mood, or just feeling off may become your new normal for a while. You may be sitting at your desk, watching a show on the television, or any other activity and suddenly start crying. There may be days you do not feel like getting out of bed for days on time. You may find yourself calling in sick to work and disengaging from other activities you use to enjoy. Sadness, shock, and loneliness could hang around from days to years. The feelings that emerge may sound familiar when you same them (sadness, loneliness, anger), but they may be more intense and last longer during a divorce. No matter how prepared you feel you are, know there is always more, and divorce is not something most of us are prepared for. Some people will go through this stage and then go back to the denial and anger stage again to return to the depression stage. Divorce is hard. Divorce is a significant loss in your life, and you will need time to grieve even if you are the one who initiates the divorce.

Similar to anger, the depression stage is repetitive and may affect you more than the others. You may need guidance and more profound healing of prior healing tools to get through it. Sometimes guidance can be beneficial to get through this step and help you in future relationships.

Another stage of grief is bargaining. Bargaining is the stage where many try to fix the damage that has been done. One or both of you may want to ignore what brought you to get a divorce or ignore any differences you are having and pretend everything is ok, especially if you are still living in the same home. Many couples continue to live as they were. They may be sleeping in separate rooms but otherwise carrying like they are still a couple. For instance, if you are the person who shops and cooks for the family, you may continue in that role instead of beginning to live as two independent, soon-to-be single adults. I’ve seen many women continue to handle all the household responsibilities and take care of the children versus having a conversation with their soon-to-be ex and separating their lives for how it will be once the divorce occurs.

Another aspect is that one or both partners tell themselves that they will never find anyone who makes them feel the way they did in the marriage. This leads many couples to try again and forget what brought them to divorce, to begin with. They forget about the disagreements, or maybe one of the partners is afraid to be alone or feels taking care of the kids by themselves is too much. Our minds will play tricks on us, especially when significant change is imminent. At the end of the day, if the reasons you chose to get a divorce are still there, you will find yourself in that place again. It is important to begin looking at what broke the relationship by being honest and taking care of what you are responsible for and begin working on your core wounds, so you do not have them showing up in any relationships you have.

Emotions were always easy for me. I cry when I am sad, happy, during movies, and whenever something I see stirs me. I easily express joy, frustration, glee, giddiness, moodiness, and more. Yet, the stage of grief that dealt with anger, nope, not me. I didn't get angry, and if someone said that what it was, I denied it. It took a lot of healing to realize, being angry wasn't accepted by girls/women in my family, but when ending a relationship, getting a divorce, um, yeah, there was anger there, a lot of it and facing it allowed me to grow, move on, and heal.

Grasping that emotions are just that and there is no such thing as a "good or bad" feeling was huge for me. Anger is a completely normal feeling and a common stage of grief. Our minds like to replay events, stories, and what if? Thinking, "why is this happening to me?" or "How could he/she have done this to me?" are thoughts many of us express during the process of divorce, no matter who initiated the process. You may go through the anger stage for one continuous timeframe, or you may go back and forth with other stages. Both are normal. A lot will depend on your unique circumstances and previous break-ups or other significant losses in your life. You may experience loss and feel you have exhausted it, only to see your ex with someone else and find out you are angry all over again. This is normal, and just let you know there are many layers to grief.

Anger is a stage that seems to hang on for many and comes back way more often than the other stages. Do not be surprised that anything and everything that happens in your life will get blamed on the divorce even if there is no reason for that to happen. I've had clients be angry and blame the divorce for a pet being sick, a car breaking down, losing a job, and anything else that isn't flowing well in their life. The reality is we are often looking to place blame when, in reality, it anger that needs to be expressed, felt, and released. Until you do, it will linger like a hot coal and cause more angst.

Divorce is hard. That is the most straightforward truth, no matter if you are the one who initiated the process or the one being left. There are not many who are considering marriage that is expecting divorce to come. Once we grasp that divorce is where we are at, figuring out how to cope quickly comes next. Grief in divorce will be similar to losing someone you loved who died.

In the late ’60s, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross shared the stages of grief she experienced with Hospice patients who were dying. These stages have been used to highlight what grief can be like when we lose those we love. In divorce, there is grief, and it’s helpful to have tools to guide you through the process. These stages are tools. You may or may not experience all of them, and they are not linear. They will come and go, and you may experience all of them or a few, and some may come back many times. Remember, we all experience grief differently, and it takes time to grieve and mourn.

The five stages are:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance

When it first happens, whether you make the decision or your partner, denial usually sets in. Even if you have decided divorce is best, there are reasons you chose to do this, and be aware you may still be in denial about those reasons. For example, finding out your partner cheated, you may be going through that denial that it even happened. This can be dicey if your partner denies it happened. Be honest with yourself. Check your gut. If you know it happened, and it’s important, to be honest with yourself, be mindful of falling for the wording of “it’s just you, I want,” that you have heard before. For many, our mind begins playing tricks. This can’t be true. It has to be a misunderstanding, and maybe we can work this out. If your partner had an affair, ask yourself can I forgive them? If your immediate response isn’t a yes, it may be best to continue with your plan to end things. Trust is vital in any relationship, and so is forgiveness.

If that yes, for forgiveness is strong, begin immediately to make plans on how you will work through the feelings you are still having and ensure your partner is on the same page. It will take both of you to heal and forgive. If it is just one of you, that will be another aspect of denial. Both of you have to be committed to the healing to work, and it isn’t easy. When I was working as a counselor doing couple’s work, seldom a relationship was saved once it reached this point. I’ve seen couples try and have seen them stay together, but it has never been healthy. I’ve seen couples believe cheating or an affair will never happen again (it usually does, and in many cases, the original affair is still ongoing). Sometimes a partner feels they can change the other person (another form of denial). The only person you can change is you. My experience is people stay together in these cases for a few reasons: money, the kids, comfort, or fear. Never the healing that is needed nor about what is best for each person’s soul. Healing our soul is the only reason we are here in earth school. Healing our wounds to heal our souls is the best gift we can give ourselves. (I have openings to guide you - click the Schedule button on the website menu).

Denial is one of the stages that may come around numerous times in the grieving process. It may occur if there is cheating, as used in this example, or other aspects that have broken trust. Take the time you need to make the best decision for you, and if it’s divorce, it will take time to move from denial to acceptance, but you will get through it.

No matter what, divorce is painful, and grieving is necessary.

Whether in my processing or what has been shared with me through the years via friends and clients, no two people experience divorce the same.

I have recurring dreams of certain events in the marriage play repeatedly, sometimes with the same outcome and other times different ones that have made no sense. I had friends and clients tell me their dreams and how they have woken up in tears, angry, and unable to breathe. I have heard stories of walking down a street and seeing their ex, but then upon a closer look, it isn’t them. I’ve heard about phone calls and meet-ups and sometimes, hooking back up. Yup, divorce can be messy, painful, confusing, and more.

A client shared today about her dream, and then the anger came out. “Why am I still dreaming about him?” Isn’t it enough that he’s moved out and all my feelings are on the table? Hmm, I asked, are they?” “Yes,” she said, a bit too quickly. I already knew she was ready for him to leave; they’ve been in this process for over nine months. She has been living on her own for the past three, has settled into a routine, has no reason or desire to see him, and yet in her words; he keeps invading her sleep and dream time.

She keeps telling me she is emotionally past this. I keep suggesting she isn’t. Feeling emotions for her has not been easy. The only emotions she acknowledges are sadness and anger. Today, she said, so, should I feel guilty that I have no other feelings, or is this how I am being punished for getting a divorce.

BOOM! Now we are getting somewhere…….

There are stages of grief, and she is now beginning to understand the layers we all go through before feeling whole again.

In the beginning, sadness, anger, and tears may be your normal. Ride the wave, feel all you need too and soon, you will be in another stage. They are all to be expected and part of the grieving process.

From tears and sadness, there may be feelings of now what? How do I go on? How do I live as a single person? I cannot believe everything we dreamed about is gone, and I’m so disappointed in myself. You may feel lonely and miss your ex. You still may want to see them. Divorce is confusing, it feels like your in quicksand, and life will never be joyful again.

These are all normal feelings, and in my experience, they come and keep coming no matter what we do. We need to feel, and it is essential to do as otherwise, we prolong the process. Yes, holidays, birthdays, vacations, and dreams are gone. They are not coming back with your ex, and this all needs to be grieved. Just remember, many of these experiences were not as happy while you were married. Somehow, in the divorce process, we forget about that.

Grief and mourning are normal. They are going to come at you whether you are ready or not. At some point, the stages of grief will change. Welcome it, know the others may come back when you least expect it. Tomorrow I will share the stages of grief and guide you to understand what you may experience.

Going through a divorce for many will be physically, emotionally, and spiritually one of the most challenging times. Whether the divorce is what one wanted or not, your whole world is now turned upside down.

When one decides to get married, it is for a multitude of reasons. Most of us think it is about love, but it’s also about connection, companionship, friendship, intimacy, business, hope, and many dreams. We were raised since birth with beliefs and expectations about marriage. Divorce smashes them quickly, and few if any of us are prepared for the layers upon layers of grief that comes with it. It doesn’t matter if we were the ones who left or the ones who felt they were left. The stress, anxiety, fear, panic, sadness, relief, and letting go, no matter the emotions, need to be dealt with and acknowledged.

The emotions and settling into a new life may leave you feeling off guard. Being able to grieve the ending of a marriage or relationship isn’t easy but necessary. Research shows it takes about a year to reach new homeostasis after a divorce and between 5-7 years to be fully healed. I cannot put time frames into anything, but my experience with myself and working with others is that these statistics are close and if children are involved, probably lower than reality.

When grieving the loss of a marriage, in many ways, it is similar to a death. All the hopes and dreams of when you first got together are now gone. Feelings are going to show up no matter what. You may feel alone, rejected, angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, sad, lost, uncomfortable, unloved, and many others. Your world has hanged drastically, and you may be experiencing deep pain for quite some time as you walk through your life independently for some time.

You may also experience:

Physical symptoms or illness

Thoughts of wanting to harm yourself in sad and overwhelming moments (if this is you. seek help now)

Substance issues (alcohol, drugs)

Sleep-related issues (too much, too little, or broken up),

Appetite change (eating more or eating less)

Changes in your mood

Changs in what you like or do

Fear of change and doing things independently

You will most likely go through stages of grief and mourning, with the most intense in the first 6 months to two years. During this time, you may become familiar with the stages of grief, which I will introduce in upcoming posts.