What are you Feeling today?

For most of my life, this is not the question that was asked.  It was always, “How are you feeling today?”  Having lived with illness for a majority of my life, it became easy to just say, I am fine, which may or may not have been the truth.  In looking back, I realize that saying I am fine, answered the question, and told others, very little.  Along the way I had learned that “How are you today”, is a polite question and very few people who were around me at the time really wanted to know how I was feeling.  I also have since come to the realization, I really had no idea how I was feeling.

I was able to say, I don’t feel well, or today isn’t a good day, but as to how I was REALLY feeling, I had no idea.  I had buried my feelings so long ago, had learned in many instances it wasn’t safe to share them, that at some point, my normal just became, “I am fine.”  Truth is, until any of us deal with our emotions, we are not “fine”, nor are we really doing okay.

In this moment, take a deep breath in through your nose and then slowly release through your mouth.  Do this a couple times until you feel relaxed.  Now, close your eyes and begin going back to your childhood and slowly begin to observe any time in your life you heard or were told or experienced any of these:

Stop crying

You have nothing to cry about

Stop that behavior or I will give you something to cry about

Get over it

Witnessed anger expressed violently

You have no reason to be angry, sad, mad, confused, upset or any other emotion you may have felt.

When any of the above and many more happen in childhood, many of us begin burying our emotions.  As children, we make meaning out of events we experienced or witness and that begins to create an internal map of how our world is.  How we make-meaning is how we learn to cope.  The difficulty lies when as adults we still have the same internal map as we did when we were children.

Those aftereffects of our childhood stay with us and can cause havoc in our adult lives. For some of us when we have buried our emotions, we lose touch with who we really are, we create a self that we present to others, but seldom let anyone in close, because we do not believe we can be loved, accepted or cared for.  We may be an adult who spends our day listening to the negative inner self talk that is constantly criticizing, disempowering us and leaving us in a place of feeling we have no control over our lives.  Reality is we always have a choice, even if that choice is to acknowledge we have a choice.  As children, we really do not have a lot of control over our environments or other aspects of our lived, but we are not children anymore.  Each of us is capable in some small way of changing our situation more than we believe.

The results of burying our emotions lead to physical issues. 

Consider this list of possible emotions:

Afraid, angry, anxious, ashamed, content, confused, creative, delighted, depressed, disappointed, embarrassed, excited, frustrated, grateful, guilty, happy, hopeful, hurt, insecure, jealous, joyful, lonely, loved, misunderstood, nervous, overwhelmed, pressured, regretful, rejected, relieved, sad, satisfied, unappreciated, unloved, violated, vulnerable or worried.

Now that you have read through them, make a list of which emotions have been dominating your thoughts the past few months.  Have you been able to express them in healthy ways.  If not, look over the list below for potential concerns for your health and overall well being that may manifest by not owning and expressing your feelings.

Physical Disorders: digestive problems, frequent headaches, stomach aches

Sleep Difficulties: hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, sleeping too much

Loss of Function or Desire: chronic fatigue, fibromayalgia, burnout, exhaustion, difficulty concentrating

Loss of Desire: Inhibited sexual desire, diminished appetite, lack of motivation

Obsessive Compulsive Patterns: over-thinking, racing or pervasive thoughts, over-doing, perfectionism

Dependencies that “numb” Emotions: alcohol or drugs, gambling, eating too much or too little, shopping, sex, pornography, internet, tv

Escapes into Activity that Distracts from Pain: tv/computers/phones, hobbies/recreation to excess, work, escaping into the lives of our children’s or volunteer activities.

Mood Disturbances: depressed mood, anxiety, panic attacks, excessive worry, daily irritability, impatience, quick temper, angry outbursts

Eating Disorders: anorexia, compulsive over eating, bulimia, orthorexia nervosa, bulimia

Loss of Feelings or Positivity: limited experience of joy, hope, love, totally numb

Controlling Behaviors: controlling through aggression, criticism, put downs, intimidation, bullying

Manipulative Behaviors: passive aggressive sarcasm, cynicism, procrastination, withdrawal, guilt trips

Loss of Self-esteem: chronic sense of worthlessness, insignificance, importance, feeling guilty

If any of these fit you, for your health and well-being begin to bring into awareness all the different scenarios where you have buried your emotions.  Once you begin to identify them, sit with them and feel them.  If you need to cry- cry, if you need to angry, be angry.  Whichever emotion you have, express it, healthily.  If you are unsure of healthy ways to express your emotions, seek help or even begin on your own by doing something creative that encourages a release.  A few outlets I use are painting, picking up my drum, closing my eyes and start a beat, exercise, cooking, gardening and sometimes a conversation with a trusted friend.

Learning to feel my emotions as they occur has been the most healing thing I have done for myself. Blessings to each of you as you begin to feel too.