Accepting where you are!
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"Somewhere inside that hurting body, there is something better,
something stronger, something real.” – R. M. Drake
This past week I have been contacted by former clients and a couple friends for guidance on people they know and love who have recently been diagnosed with autoimmune disorders. I automatically feel that knowing deep inside of me and all that happened in those moments of hearing you have multiple sclerosis (MS).
As I was working in healthcare, I had a lot of knowledge about the diagnosis, but what I didn’t have was an understanding of how I was going to be affected, how my son, my family, my friends, my work and every other thing in my life would change.
Today, it is easy for me to thank each of the illnesses I have had, lived with, and healed for all they brought into my life. Believe me, that wasn’t the case in the beginning. I experienced what I hear often from others; the disbelief, this cannot be happening, the anger at not being able to do what I used to be able to do, the frustration with fatigue, pain and numerous other issues. Then add in the looks, conversations and changes in your life you experience from others, truthfully, I was pretty miserable.
At the beginning of being ill, I thought all of that mattered. Today, not so much. Today, it is easier for me to acknowledge all that had happened in my life leading me to experience the myriad of illnesses I did. Hindsight is always easier, that is for sure. What I do know is if a chronic illness comes into your life, life will change. How it changes will be up to you.
How you choose to accept it-- your attitude, the resources, teachers/mentors, other professionals, and support system you have are all important, but remember you are most important. How you choose to adapt to your illness is a crucial step in learning how to live the best life you can with your autoimmune illness, chronic illness or chronic pain, and again, the choice is yours and up to you.
ACCEPTANCE OR DENIAL- THE CHOICE IS YOURS- WHICH DO YOU CHOOSE?
Oh, believe me, denial happens to many of us. After going through a diagnosis nightmare of many years, before confirmation, one would think I would have been excited to know it just wasn’t “in my head,” which is what I had been hearing for years, but I wasn’t. I found myself after hearing the words through a three-year period, “You have Chronic Fatigue”, “You have Hypothyroidism”, “You have Multiple Sclerosis”, to “You have Fibromyalgia,” feeling the same. I was angry, I was upset, in denial and a whole lot of other emotions that I buried, not realizing that many previous buried emotions were now coming through as illness in my body.
At some point, acceptance began to sink in. Life as I had known it, wanted it or even dreamed about was changing and in many cases changing rapidly. For a long time, I followed to the tee all the information given to me by the medical team. As time went on, I added in many eastern and alternative practices and read and talked to everyone that I resonated with or felt might be able to help me. While I would see improvement, I was still sick. The difference was, I accepted that I was sick and decided to do all I could every day, with a much better attitude, and even learned how to ask for help where needed.
While it took a few years to reach the acceptance stage, life changed for the better, once I did. I woke up every day, checked in with my body on what I could do and didn’t give a lot of attention to what I couldn’t. As time went by and I settled in to this life, I found myself happier and more productive. I also knew I wanted more from life. After living in this state for many years, in 2008, I knew I needed to make another change and see if reaching a different level of wellness was possible.
I began to explore deep into the psychological, perspective around illness looking for what might still be holding me back. I continued to see numerous improvements but I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. I had all these tools and yet, my health was still not optimal. I was in a much better place, able to do more than I had thought was possible 10-20 years ago and now had added a master’s and doctorate degree to my education. Then I overhauled the way I ate and lived. Then I began to dive deeper into the emotional and spiritual aspect and continued to see changes. Yet, I still felt, something was missing.
Total acceptance was what was missing. I realized what I wanted wasn’t solvable in the way I wanted. I was not in charge. As much as we like to believe we have full control over our lives, WE DON’T. Thankfully, we do have control over how we relate, accept, show up and think. We have the choice; do we want to accept where we are today or continue to struggle.
I remember when I thought acceptance meant I was giving up. What I realize today is acceptance means to just be with the moment you are in. There is no judgment, no expectation, just being in the moment, fully. It doesn’t mean I am upset with the past, or concerned about the future, it means, just accept what is in this moment. Yes, I can still continue praying, educating myself and work towards further change- in the very next moment. The acceptance I am talking about transcends hope, despair, the past and the future. It is truly about seeing your reality in this moment as it is.
Gaining understanding that the health I have each day is just what it is. Acceptance did not make anything about my health change. It hasn’t stopped me from continuing to learn, try new things and dig deeper emotionally to bring all my childhood wounds to the light. What it has done is in increase my faithand hope of improving my well-being and health. Acceptance did one great thing for me, it has allowed me to surrenderand to be okay with just being.
Today, I accept all the feelings I have. I name them, I feel them, I grieve them and then I release them. I am able to see now, how holding all those feelings in for so many years, added to my illness, increased suffering, and really distracted me from being able to see my reality.
Freedom is the word that best describes the feeling I now have. I am free to accept what is. Free to be at peace each day with how I feel, what I can do and how to improve my next moment. I am free to stop my inner voice from telling me I am sick and in that moment, change the language to verbiage that empowers me. If there is a feeling that comes up, I have the freedom to feel it and heal it. It is such a great way to live.
Acceptance came through in my spiritual learning. For me that is putting my faith in God, Jesus and Mother Mary. For you, it may be something else. Whatever your beliefs, finding a way to acceptance is vital to living with autoimmune disorders, chronic illness and chronic pain. I hope all of you find acceptance and freedom that works for you.